This week, I was labeled. No big deal. We're all labeled and judged all the time about a million things big and small. Sometimes labels are positive, sometimes not so much. They are often helpful. In fact, I usually really like the order they bring to things. Still, rarely can we find one label so big that it completely defines a thing - or person. Anyway, I was labeled this week in a difficult, but useful way. The label was heavy and hard to wrap my mind around because I didn't expect it. The truth is though, I asked for it. Literally. I asked this person what they thought. They responded from a place of good intentions and within their expertise. I also have come to a place where I think the label is probably accurate. I think it will be helpful to know. Still, I didn't like it. And I let it get a hold of my mind and define me this week. I was all frazzled and crazypants. I was afraid to say it aloud to anyone else lest it migh come true (As if I'm the One who can speak things into being. Note to self: You don't have a firm handle on sovereignty and who it belongs to just yet...). I knew better. Objectively, I told myself not to do it. I said to Self: "this is not all you are! This is hard, but you are ok! Keep moving forward!" Self said: "I'm locking myself in my room and I'm not coming out until you and your stupid label go away forever!"
Self was kind of a brat this week. Self is not always a grown up, despite my best efforts. Self is sometimes (shock!) a little too led by her emotions.
Seriously though, before we decide I have a split personality disorder, I'll stop talking about Self as if it isn't just me being a brat. The truth of it all is, sometimes, it really sucks to do the right thing. This week, I didn't respond well to information that I asked for, needed to hear, and is probably spot on. We lie if we try to convince ourselves that good is also easy. Good is hard. That's what I learned today - relearned. Any 5-year-old could have told me that it was hard to be good, but I should do it anyway. I will probably need to relearn it again tomorrow though.
Oh to be 5 and smart again...