How did a whole month whir by and seem so long and so fast all at once?
It's been eventful and dull. I've been delighted and distraught. I feel like I've been living in extremes.
I have become a girl who cries in the last couple years. I was just never that girl... And I'm SO that girl now. Sometimes because of something important and heartbreaking - and that comes too often... Also though, because of something just a little warm and fuzzy. Like a good-bye lunch for our interns. They're great, but they're not even leaving for a week or so... Also because of something even just a little sad and definitely anything dealing in actual sadness. I mean, well, good night...
I've also become a girl who occasionally wants a hug and dances. That's a sort of new girl too.
I remember thinking of people as sort of "spazzy" in the past. When they appeared to be living in mood extremes. I remember wondering why they were so distracted and unpredictable and wishing they'd mellow out.
God thinks he's funny.
July taught me a little more about spazzy. I got an insider's perspective on strong emotions, hard moments, and hard earned joy. None of that was entirely new, but it all phased through in ways that felt fresh.
Ok then, I'm laughing too. I see Your point. I'm taken care of and should probably just calm down. A lot.
Still though, in the midst of all the searching for a place to live, making a lot of popcicles, packing, working, crying, dancing, praying through the night, absorbing hard news, musicals in my backyard, and feeling left behind, moments in July, I have found myself most often just tired.
I'm usually a girl that finds a way to fill the days and live. In July I was a girl that hid -- in shutting down and hiding from the junk and in missing the joy sort of ways.
That seems a funny way to be in July especially. Summer, in my mind, should be full of frolicking. Kites and wildflowers and beaches and bubbles and spinning until you collapse in extra green grass. Should I be this tired when the sun shines so much? Isn't all that vitamin D supposed to be good for me? Maybe I'm a vampire... Life just refuses to let me live at night as a vampire ought. Silly societal norms and professional hours and dearly loved daytime dwellers. The sacrifices I make for all of you...
I'm hoping spazzy is an exercise that I can leave behind with July. I'll settle in to being a girl who cries and dances and feels and hopes in new ways and I will not panic in reaction to life happening around me. I'm not going to invite spazzy over, but I won't file an eviction notice these last few days of July - I'm moving this weekend. Giving up spazzy now seems especially daunting. And heck, spazzy taught me some things I needed to learn. I'm going to see what I can do about leaving it to others, but I'm going to try to embrace what was learned instead of spazzing spazzy away.
On Wednesday though, August is here and I'm taking back control! (HA! As if I was ever in control...)