Truth and Mystery

I think it's crucial to understand that faith comes filled with truth and with mystery. I think that's why I can feel so very at home in two such drastically different churches. For me, it's easy - instinct - to cling to and treasure the Lutheran beliefs and traditions I grew up in. It's also incredibly comfortable for me to participate in my less conventional, mission loving, small group emphasizing, experiment encouraging current church. It's funny that this is easy for me. I'm an answers girl. I like things to be clear cut, but God has pretty clearly shown me He is not, so apparently my mind has given up on complete understanding And that leaves me to settle in to celebrating the diversity of His followers. I have a set of core beliefs that ring loud and true from childhood, but the things that are "the great questions", I don't often have a strong desire to take a side on and I don't think many of those things are so essential to understand. Against all odds, my "answers please! answers now!" personality let's it go on this front. I'm with Augustine - unity in the essentials, liberty in the non-essential, and charity in all. Charity - disagreeing in love - in the rare moments disagreement is necessary can disarm the most ardent reactions. 

Anyway, In the last week or so I've been reflecting on 2012 and there are some truly precious memories - great experiences with friends, countless blessings, but I also remember some really hard moments. Lessons learned and hurt felt. It wasn't all bad, but I'm not sad to see 2012 behind me. I remember gathering this time last year with friends and talking about what I wanted in the year to come - nothing outrageous, just sort of the reasonable, hopeful, what's next in life thoughts. And mostly, they just weren't what the year would hold at all.   (Silly me, thinking I have any control. Or that I'd be any good at making the plan if I did.). There have been some unexpected other positives, but in many ways, it felt like a treading water sort of year. I wasn't drowning and I'm stronger for it, but it sure wasn't anything I hoped for. 

As 2013 approached, I set aside a few hours to think about goals and hopes for the year. I've never been much of a resolution maker. It seems so cliche and so bound to fail. I do like the idea of goal setting though. It's just not typically a new year thing for me. In church Sunday the concept of having a theme or verse for the year came up though. I thought that was something I could maybe get on board with. Something that could serve as a lens to see the year through. And then I remembered a story from the Christmas sermon in Michigan that had been sort of replaying in my mind since I heard it. It was one of those moments where you feel like he has totally crept into your thoughts and wrote a public response. Creepy and wonderful. And I knew instantly that story held my theme and I knew instantly a verse that really needs to be perma-stamped on my heart and mind. 

Isn't it funny how my church worlds, which I love equally, but are so different I'm sometimes nervous to introduce them to one another, work together for me. That's unity and liberty in action. God is in the center of both places and he somehow - while managing all the hundreds of others milling about - notices me and tells me what I need to hear.

And that's the beauty of mystery. I have no idea how it all works. I have no idea how I'm so confident God is in both places and I need to be in both places sometimes. It's been good for me to learn to live in the tension of loving both places, being blessed by both, needing both to find myself better connected. I'm finding myself fiercely grateful for the beautiful mystery of it all. 

Hide & Seek

Lately, at work, and in life generally, I've been feeling like I'm playing hide and seek with my calling.

You see, there are things I know I want. Things I want to do. Causes and passions I'll gladly work for. Often, I've felt like I wasn't allowed. Like someone kept putting a bushel over this little light of mine - this passion, skill set, and determination. The hopes and dreams I silently and not so silently harbor. I've been deflected - doing other good, light-filled work, but it always feels like it's distinctly someone else's light I was keeping lit - not mine.

And  there are moments for that. Moments where it is absolutely God's calling to hold up someone else's arms in their calling. It's a hard path though. It's humbling and confusing to be told to wait when your heart beats for a different piece of things. It's hard to watch others do and only observe. It's hard to cheer on those who seem to be acting just as you want to act. It's hard to watch things done differently than you'd do them. It's important though.

Early this week, I felt that way still. Holding up someone's arms. Watching others do. Doing the other good, necessary things dutifully and without passion. There were moments it felt like I'd gotten just close enough to something that I knew just what needed to be done and yet, I wasn't allowed to do it. Be still my panicked heart. How it aches to see just what to do and be delayed.

Today, I realized I was getting to do some of it. In the span of a week, I'd somehow landed in the middle of things. Just where I wanted to be. And then I realized that there were quickly coming moments where I might have to fly solo. Be still my panicked heart. How it aches to hold responsibility in my hands. All is so fragile.

I feel as if I've run at marathon pace to be in this place, at these times, for quite some time. And now, as I stand face to face with it, I want to turn around and run the other way. Has running just become habit? Am I literally trying, after seeking for so long, to become one of those hiding?  As any savvy 4 year old knows, you can't change your role midway through the game. So why the instinct to hide or run?

Why? Well, you know, fear mostly. Good old fashioned haunting fear. Fear that I'll fail. Fear that I'll cause harm instead of bringing hope. Fear that I am wrong about everything. Fear that the little I know is far too little to act. Fear that failure to act ensures failure. Even a ridiculous fear of the fear itself. If I'm afraid is that a sign to pause or just fear I should push through?

I think I'm here for a reason though. I think if my heart has beat for it all for so long, I probably shouldn't ignore it and run away. So, I'm going to try and see through the fear back to the calling. I'm going to try to keep running towards what I care about instead of making a panicked about-face. There is a larger life lesson in it all, but right this minute all I can see is the many immediate, intimidating tasks. In Disney wisdom, I'll "keep moving forward". One task at a time until it feels like the most natural thing in the world to do just what my heart beats for. I think that's at least part of the point of having a beating heart isn't it?

Here goes... Lord, order my steps.

I can do anything you can do better!

I remember a middle school confidence that girls were better than boys. We could do anything better. In retrospect, we actually were a crowd of bright, sweet, fierce little girls. I actually like us even more now than I did then. God bless the adults who let us believe we were much cooler than our awkward, mouthy, middle school realities. I mean, don't get me wrong, we were plenty self conscious - me, especially. That's what you do in those years. We were just confident we were better than the boys. Also, there were more of us than the boys. It made domination seem more inevitable. Poor boys, we may have (definitely...) been obnoxious. They held their own in good will obnoxiousness though. Don't feel too bad for the boys.

This middle school confidence, I've been thinking about it lately, because over the last 6 weeks or so I've had several conversations about gender differences. Questions at events, bible studies, global protection issues. It has left my mind puzzling over things I've rarely cared much about since I got distracted from that middle school confidence in my superiority.

Gender inequity was something I read about in high school history books, but rarely gave a second thought to in my day-to-day. And then in college there were the women's studies' girls - ahem - WOMEN. They would occasionally try to tell me  that I was both superior and oppressed, which I always found just a bit counter-intuitive. Some of them were reasonable, interesting girls, but mostly they were angry and I felt more oppressed in their ranting presence than I did by the guys who mostly just rolled their eyes and let them speak their enthusiastic mind. (How oppressive...)

Since then, I've noticed the differences a bit more, but I'm not drowned in them. I've noticed that although I'm in a female dominated child welfare workforce, somehow men often find their way to leadership first. I've noticed that men doing similar work sometimes make more money. I've noticed that tasks assigned to female friends are sometimes ridiculously stereotyped and yet nobody ever carries the water tank up from the basement, hangs anything on my dang walls for me or otherwise gets me out of those tasks I'd like to stereotype off on some big, strong man. Still though, mostly what I see is not too brutal.

I don't mean to make light of the larger topic at all. I know there are sincere concerns still faced and have, very occasionally, felt like I got slighted for my gender. And my limited understanding of the extreme inequity faced around the world makes me want to wear black and go back and have those college girls teach  me their rant. All in all though, I fared just fine girling my way through life so far. I'm willing to admit that it's probably especially helpful that I'm still living this fairly selfish, single in the city, life where I'm limitedly accountable to anyone. Hard decisions may still be to come in harder places, in professions still male dominated, in times when you're blessed with balancing a relationship, and in choosing if and how children and work will both fit into life.

All that said, I think sometimes in all these women need, men are, girls have, boys want, conversations we lose the individuals, who deserve to be individuals. We forget about the increasing number of men who choose to stay home, the increasing number of women who find their vocation as leaders in major corporations. And the million little things along the way that still sort of matter in the day to day. The guys who like RomCom and the girls who hate them. The girls who love football and the guys who love musicals. Truly and obviously, the things men and women face are different. there are many generalizations to be made. When it comes right down to it though, while I don't want anyone thinking I'm a man, I also don't want them thinking I am just another girl and my sense is if we thought more about what a person wants and deserves and what wonderful things God created them to love and do we'd have to worry about all the little he/she madness a whole lot less.

Boys and girls are still not the same. (Wisdom! You're welcome...)

I'm going to try to proceed with the treat people like they are as unique as they are approach though. It makes life a million times easier than trying to figure out who is right and wrong about where we all fit in our gender roles. I'm wrong about enough other stuff. I won't set myself up to fail here. I think that is superior logic my ranting sisters would be proud of.