Lately, at work, and in life generally, I've been feeling like I'm playing hide and seek with my calling.
You see, there are things I know I want. Things I want to do. Causes and passions I'll gladly work for. Often, I've felt like I wasn't allowed. Like someone kept putting a bushel over this little light of mine - this passion, skill set, and determination. The hopes and dreams I silently and not so silently harbor. I've been deflected - doing other good, light-filled work, but it always feels like it's distinctly someone else's light I was keeping lit - not mine.
And there are moments for that. Moments where it is absolutely God's calling to hold up someone else's arms in their calling. It's a hard path though. It's humbling and confusing to be told to wait when your heart beats for a different piece of things. It's hard to watch others do and only observe. It's hard to cheer on those who seem to be acting just as you want to act. It's hard to watch things done differently than you'd do them. It's important though.
Early this week, I felt that way still. Holding up someone's arms. Watching others do. Doing the other good, necessary things dutifully and without passion. There were moments it felt like I'd gotten just close enough to something that I knew just what needed to be done and yet, I wasn't allowed to do it. Be still my panicked heart. How it aches to see just what to do and be delayed.
Today, I realized I was getting to do some of it. In the span of a week, I'd somehow landed in the middle of things. Just where I wanted to be. And then I realized that there were quickly coming moments where I might have to fly solo. Be still my panicked heart. How it aches to hold responsibility in my hands. All is so fragile.
I feel as if I've run at marathon pace to be in this place, at these times, for quite some time. And now, as I stand face to face with it, I want to turn around and run the other way. Has running just become habit? Am I literally trying, after seeking for so long, to become one of those hiding? As any savvy 4 year old knows, you can't change your role midway through the game. So why the instinct to hide or run?
Why? Well, you know, fear mostly. Good old fashioned haunting fear. Fear that I'll fail. Fear that I'll cause harm instead of bringing hope. Fear that I am wrong about everything. Fear that the little I know is far too little to act. Fear that failure to act ensures failure. Even a ridiculous fear of the fear itself. If I'm afraid is that a sign to pause or just fear I should push through?
I think I'm here for a reason though. I think if my heart has beat for it all for so long, I probably shouldn't ignore it and run away. So, I'm going to try and see through the fear back to the calling. I'm going to try to keep running towards what I care about instead of making a panicked about-face. There is a larger life lesson in it all, but right this minute all I can see is the many immediate, intimidating tasks. In Disney wisdom, I'll "keep moving forward". One task at a time until it feels like the most natural thing in the world to do just what my heart beats for. I think that's at least part of the point of having a beating heart isn't it?
Here goes... Lord, order my steps.