Monday, May 14, 2012

Chara over Crabby

I feel like I should confess that I have totally failed this beautiful, beautiful journal.

Remember when I raved and raved about One Thousand Gifts? (It deserved it. It still does!)

And for many days - long enough to establish a habit and  remember nearly every day I did it. And it was my favorite distraction from negativity. Then, I got distracted - no, let's be honest, I got rebellious.

I want to say that I quit because I've been so busy and I was traveling and it got left behind. Excuses like this would still be bad, but at least they'd be something.

It's not true though. I quit before the busy and traveling weeks. I knew it was wrong and I did it anyway. I was crabby and I didn't want to be grateful, so I didn't do it. You know, when I needed it most. Yeah, then. That's when I quit. Fail. Fail. Fail. Sigh.

In the midst of this silent tantrum, I was aware I was being a punk and so I carried the journal around with me knowing that I should do the right thing and write something down. Instead, I just scowled at it - in many locations, in various states.

 How am I not stubborn enough to outstubborn myself? If anyone were, wouldn't it be me? How? That was the goal with the carrying it around. I was sure I'd eventually guilt myself back into doing the right thing.

Don't get all worked up though. The journal is back. It's open. I am writing in it RIGHT NOW. Really! Literally, as I write this blog, I'm taking a brief interlude and making it happen. If I feel like you're all watching I can't lie or put it off.

There. I did it. 7 things in like 2 minutes. It's not even hard. Why am I such a baby? Thank you for your support. Now to rebuild the habit. Stupid, stubborn rebellion. I broke the habit. Who breaks good habits on purpose? Shmerg.

Shockingly though, stubborn was not the answer to something. Encouraging friends reminded me that I should knock it off indirectly in a few ways over the last few days. Darn them and their wisdom and niceness. I hate when they are all kind and encouraging and sigh... (love them. love them all.). Their grace, kindness, joy aka chara won. Chara over crabby. Well, of course. That's what the whole thing is about.

Sigh. Grace is good. Grace leaves space to try, try again. Here goes...

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