Spazzy until Wednesday

Where did July go?

How did a whole month whir by and seem so long and so fast all at once? 

It's been eventful and dull. I've been delighted and distraught. I feel like I've been living in extremes. 

I have become a girl who cries in the last couple years. I was just never that girl... And I'm SO that girl now. Sometimes because of something important and heartbreaking - and that comes too often... Also though, because of something just a little warm and fuzzy. Like a good-bye lunch for our interns. They're great, but they're not even leaving for a week or so... Also because of something even just a little sad and definitely anything dealing in actual sadness. I mean, well, good night... 

I've also become a girl who occasionally wants a hug and dances. That's a sort of new girl too. 

I remember thinking of people as sort of "spazzy" in the past. When they appeared to be living in mood extremes. I remember wondering why they were so distracted and unpredictable and wishing they'd mellow out. 

God thinks he's funny. 

July taught me a little more about spazzy. I got an insider's perspective on strong emotions, hard moments, and hard earned joy. None of that was entirely new, but it all phased through in ways that felt fresh.

Ok then, I'm laughing too. I see Your point. I'm taken care of and should probably just calm down. A lot. 

Still though, in the midst of all the searching for a place to live, making a lot of popcicles, packing, working, crying, dancing, praying through the night, absorbing hard news, musicals in my backyard, and feeling left behind, moments in July, I have found myself most often just tired. 

I'm usually a girl that finds a way to fill the days and live. In July I was a girl that hid -- in shutting down and hiding from the junk and in missing the joy sort of ways. 

That seems a funny way to be in July especially. Summer, in my mind, should be full of frolicking. Kites and wildflowers and beaches and bubbles and spinning until you collapse in extra green grass. Should I be this tired when the sun shines so much? Isn't all that vitamin D supposed to be good for me? Maybe I'm a vampire... Life just refuses to let me live at night as a vampire ought. Silly societal norms and professional hours and dearly loved daytime dwellers. The sacrifices I make for all of you... 

I'm hoping spazzy is an exercise that I can leave behind with July. I'll settle in to being a girl who cries and dances and feels and hopes in new ways and I will not panic in reaction to life happening around me. I'm not going to invite spazzy over, but I won't file an eviction notice these last few days of July - I'm moving this weekend. Giving up spazzy now seems especially daunting. And heck, spazzy taught me some things I needed to learn. I'm going to see what I can do about leaving it to others, but I'm going to try to embrace what was learned instead of spazzing spazzy away.  

On Wednesday though, August is here and I'm taking back control! (HA! As if I was ever in control...)

Mumbly

Yesterday, this blog was 1 year old.

I made red wine fudgesicles in its honor. (Also for the two upcoming summer-y events, but whatever. Don't make the blog feel bad - I ate one yesterday in it's honor.)

Also, I sang Happy Birthday to Mumbly. (my blog's nickname - ok, I just made that up now, but it sort of cracks me up. So it's going to stick. I love to name inanimate things. Recently I named a tree Slim Shady and my cell phone's name is Ann Droid. Also, I like tangents. If you've been here before that's not news though...) I didn't actually get to blogging Happy Birthday on the day though. Life is so distracting sometimes. Sorry Mumbly.

Anyway, a year of blogging makes me think about words. I love words - and that is basically why Mumbly exists.

Words have power. The words we say. The praise we lavish or withhold. The advice and direction we give. The criticism and less than kind words that slip out. Our gushing and our whining and our storytelling. And the things we don't say. Our attitude, our tone, our vocabulary, our grammar (you heard me people!) all of it has meaning.

Thanks for reading. I'm not sure why you're putting up with my attitude, tone, or grammar, but I'm glad you're here.

That's another thing about words. We all want ours to be heard.

Sometimes I like to pretend words don't matter. I like to play it cool. To pretend that I haven't been sliced to the core by a string of little, not-so-harmless, words. I totally do this - but I really, really don't believe it...

They matter.


And they linger. 


I don't know how to string mine together just right sometimes. Let's be honest, most of the time...

For example, I'm just not much of a praise gusher. And, to be honest, I find it rather suspicious at times. I'm an actions speak louder than words sort of girl. There are people in my life who pour on a lot of gushing praise, but fail a little too often in the follow through. I suppose that has made me a little jaded and ungushing. I'm going to work on figuring out how to make the words and the actions and my sentiment all line up a little more. Praise and beyond...

Words aren't the whole package - but they certainly matter.

So, I'm going to keep working on stringing them together more... right. {?} That's probably a piece of why Mumbly and I are here. I set out here because I sincerely like to share. I'm learning more and more that there's room for improvement though. And this is a great place to practice getting it right. Sorry for the blunders you have and no doubt will continue to encounter. I'll keep trying to get the words to line up with the sentiment and action.

Thanks for listening. You're a very good listener.